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Name: et in arcadia ego
Birthday: 3/26/1980
Gender: Male


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Member Since: 5/19/2006

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Sunday, March 30, 2008

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

something rose in me against all odds.
a wishful idea persists to exist
despite all reasoning of reality.

so fucking annoying this hope. wants to live. it is like a tumor that grows in my head
it
blooms into my mind, releasing toxins of unrepentant optimism.
     i carry it around casually, superficially for good company.  it keeps me jovial and in     
good spirits.       but when it seeps deep into my gut like a dagger  and threatens the beating of my breath.

this thing, i will entrench my hands over it completely
and squeeze with all my strength until it is smothered
im going to kill it because it is so weak

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind


budge

i would not budge though you pressed your whole on me and ill be cool cuz you make good company or thats what i thought my mistaken analysis
but i guess i i was the one doing the pushing you make flight for the real thoughts i am hiding

we were making fun  in jest and carelessness it was not time for making promises it was just a game to see who fell in first but in our minds  we cant help but imagine crazy thoughts come out and i push it down gotta squash it
id rather lie to myself than submit to you anything else than admit the truth    ill never do it

im too cool too cool toocool too cool
just a fool a fool  im a fool a fool

but i dont mind lets carry on some more i could care less what life has in store blah blah


eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

something rose within me against all odds. a wishful idea persisting to exist despite all reasoning of reality. so fucking annoying this hope. it wants to live. it is like a tumor growing within my chest cavity. it blooms into my mind, releasing toxins of unrepentant optimism.

i carry it around casually, superficially for good company.  it keeps me jovial and in good spirits. but when it seeps deep into my gut like a dagger and threatens the beating of my breath... this thing, i will entrench my hands over it completely and squeeze with all of my strength until it is smothered and dead.

im going to kill it because it is weak and my cynicism is strong. it is no longer welcome in this home.


damn

here i am. i dont even fcking remember that dream below. crazy crazy crazy. completely unrecognizable. im losing precious memories. there is a crack in my skull and they are all seeping out. i should log my dreams more. they are insane.

ive made a couple of pleasant acquaintances lately. not sure yet which is the most serendipitous. one i admire immensely. but thinking like that tends to twist the world into a tunnel vision that sucks you in like black holes. the tremendous pressure makes my head ache.  so i am at war with myself for control over my mind.  nothing of epic proportions, just a small battle, a skirmish.

too bad the earth seems to spin faster as you get older. i am quite enjoying the youth that precedes finite conclusion. there is a rush near the end reminding you of final opportunities. but im not ready to concede yet, i want to make more blunders.

i wish i could write a long email. or a letter. its been a while. those things are kind of fun to do.


Monday, September 18, 2006

Dream Log – Monday, September 18, 2006 1AM

I’m a cop. Undercover. At a school. Chaos ensues.  It’s the big boss’s wife.  He’s evil, and she’s evil.  He’s somewhere in the distance causing trouble.  While his wife is in a gun fight with a cop.  But they’re shooting at each other amidst a throng of people.  I am in that crowd.  I’m about to draw my gun, but I decide not to.  I have a double barrel shothandgun with only two rounds of ammo.  I don’t want to reveal myself from a distance with only two rounds.  Everyone is running around and I’m running around and the wife and cop are running around.  I’m waiting for the right moment.  Finally I’m right next to her.  I draw my arm up to her forehead and pull the trigger.

 

All of a sudden, her toddler.  She’s right there.  Was she with me the whole time?  Was I carrying her around for some reason?  I don’t know but her daughter is in the scene.  Somehow I knew the daughter was there and I took the shot anyways.  I killed her mom in front of her eyes.  In the chaos it seemed like strategically the right thing to do.  I had to take her out.  It was not a situation for negotiating.  I could not draw my weapon, reveal myself, and try to negotiate her to surrender.  I didn’t know if there were more bad guys and didn’t want to draw their attention.  I had to make this quick. This incredible surge of guilt occurs within a flash of when I see her daughter.  Somehow I knew the daughter was there so I don’t even look at the mom when I pull the trigger.  I just shot and ran.  And I ran while the daughter screamed.  Because I killed her mom.  And she saw who did it.  I am dead meat.

 

I am guilt ridden, I’m paranoid.  I run around the buildings and see the big boss being arrested by cops.  He is furious.  Somehow he knows his wife is dead.  He doesn’t  know who did it but he yells at me.  This makes me even more paranoid.  I run behind another building without saying a word.  Then I jump and I’m off.  It’s getting dark and I need to get away.

 

I’m not flying as fast as I want.  A couple of college kids see me fly to the top of some dorm building.  Is this where I live?  On the roof?  I’m about to land, but I make a quick decision not to.  What if the roof is booby trapped?  I see a couple of kids try to get on the roof when they saw me.  I yell at them not to as I fly away.  Somehow I recognize this roof and those kids.  (Think its memories from another dream).

 

I’m flying to the highest building a little farther off.  On the roof I have a sniper case.  Or am I carrying the case as I’m flying.  All I need is the scope.  I take it out and I’m off to the bar on the roof of the building.  I take a seat on a wooden table.  There’s already someone on the left using a scope too.  What a coincidence.  As I sit on my corner I ask for his name.  It’s John.  That’s weird.  I tell him my name is John too.  But the crowd at the bar is too loud.  So I yell at him this time, my name is John not Trahn.  He laughs at me.  He heard the first time.

 

I decide to pull out my scope and look to see what’s going on at the school.  I’m looking through it backwards.  I turn it around and I’m clearing the focus.  I see a class.  I recognize some girl.  I think she’s some celebrity in my dream.  And I can see up her skirt.  Man you can see everything from up here.

John says something to me.  Somehow he knows me.  This freaks me out.  I notice two of his friends were sitting behind us the whole time.  I feel like they know about me.  Either from witnessing the action from the top of the building through their scope, or they were sent there to find me.  I’m still paranoid.  I talk with John.  I forget why, but I ask if he can fly too.  He says no.  Maybe I’m afraid they’re going to follow me.  I get their names and shake their hands.  I tell them it was nice meeting them.  As I leave through the door, I crawl along the side of the building to get near the window where I was previously sitting with those guys.  I want to listen in on their conversations.  But instead I can’t see them and there are some girls blocking the view.  Fck it, I fly away.

 

Down below I see some kids running.  They’re wearing black sweats?  It’s a downtown area and its daytime.  Maybe downtown LA.  This reminds me.  I should change my clothes.  I need to disguise myself, I didn’t like how those guys at the bar knew me.  And then I realized, what if they planted a tracking device on me.  What if that’s why they were looking for me..  I’m afraid if the big boss knows who I am and he’ll take retribution on people close to me.  This is why I’ve been running and haven’t reported back to headquarters.  I want to disappear.  I don’t trust anyone.  But first I need to shower and change clothes to get rid of any tracking devices.

 

The kids in black run into a building and I go after them.  Somehow I trust them.  The building is a 24 Hour Fitness. Except it is really bleak with only hallways to the showers and no exercise equipment.  I see a guy who looks like nick nolte.  He’s wearing some wrinkled ass khaki pants and white dress shirt.  He looks like a homeless businessman.  He goes to a vending machine to get soap and goes into the shower room.  I realize that is my life from now on.  Since I’m on the run and cannot stay in one spot since I’ll be located.  I’ll need to keep running and taking showers at 24hour fitnesses across the US.

 

I used my card on the vending machine and it doesn’t work.  Then down the hall I see a face I recognize.  And another face.  I think there are a couple more of them.  Friends from the school.  But I only recognize the first two asian kids.  The one guy says something to me.  “John, we need you to come back.  I don’t know what you did.  But they need you to come back.  And look at this paper, its amazing” He drops some papers on the floor and the paper self destructs by melting into some plastic shape.

 

He looks genuine.  I feel like I should trust him.  But I don’t trust anyone.  I’m still paranoid.  People keep finding me.  And now I’m under the impression that a secret x-men type society with high tech paper is looking for me.  They know I’m on the run but they want me to join for my skills (because I can fly).  And they’re sending people close to me to try and convince me its safe to go to them.

 

I’m still paranoid.  I think I’m about to pass on my friend’s offer, but then I wake up.  Reality sets in and I remember that I took a little night nap and its pretty late now.  I only planned to sleep an hour but I think I was gone for three.



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